Addressing The Core Problem Of An Unhappy Marriage

Rev. James Miklos

There are many unhappy marriages today and the root cause of that is ignorance, arrogance, and a lack of the love of God.  Self-centredness or what some wish to call selfishness is the reason for this lack of happiness in marriages today.  Without the love of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ operating in the heart and life of a person then automatically self-centredness will be taking precedence.  

First let’s get this right, original sin or fallen human nature always leads to self-preservation and self-centredness.  Always, always, always!  To have a happy marriage there has to be an understanding and the proper order of things.  Happiness is a result of things that happen that please us.  All outward behaviour (happenings) are the result of inward choices.  In all humans there is a carnal nature that will express natural human love in a marriage relationship in either of four basic types:  the self-serving person, the justice person, the compliant person, and the self-sacrificing person.  

1. The self-serving person is the person who will do things that will only benefit themselves.  If they are not being benefited then they will not continue in the relationship, at least not in a committed manner.  
2. The justice person is all about fairness and equality.  They will be exacting, demanding and resentful.  They will be frequently trying to be right and right things in their partner.  Their approach is about fairness and what they perceive to be right.
3. The compliant person will try to please their spouse and will go along with what they think their spouse wants.  They usually have low initiative and self-motivation.  
4. The self-sacrificing person is a person who is not only compliant but they will serve their spouse and do everything they can to make them happy so that their spouse will never be unhappy.  They can be enablers of their spouse’s abusive behaviour if they are that type of person.  Whatever their motive is they are all about trying to keep their spouse happy so that they are never unhappy, usually this is a result of a fear.  This is the strongest counterfeit to the love of God.

These four types lead to an unhappy marriage and an unhappy life because the motive of each is self-centred.  These dispositions stem from original sin.  

This article is not meant to be a theological article but I should clarify what is original sin in short.  Original sin began with Adam and Eve.  They were made children of God, but they listened to Satan and committed high treason, they betrayed the Lord God Almighty who was their father.  In Genesis chapter 3 we see that from that time forth all their offspring would be tainted as original sin was passed down.  Original sin is that which is in each person inherently that wants to say no to God and yes to themselves.  It is that which separates us from God once we are cognisant enough and have reached the age of maturity where we know better, then it becomes sin.  Original sin is iniquity which is in our “flesh”.

for I have known that there doth not dwell in me, that is, in my flesh, good: for to will is present with me, and to work that which is right I do not find (Romans 7:18 Young’s Literal Translation).

O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.  (Romans 7:24-25 KJV).

When it comes to marital relationships if a person is not submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and the love of God then the law of sin through the flesh will prevail and the end result will be unhappiness and pain.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself if you are in the flesh or the love of God concerning your marriage?

1. Have you surrendered your life to Jesus Christ?  (If yes, then you are now spiritually alive and can walk in the love of God).
2. Do you daily commit to walking out the love of God according to scripture? (If yes, then you are in the Spirit).
3. Do you know love scriptures and can quote them?  (If yes, then you know how to walk in the Spirit and the love of God).
4. Do you seek to please God?  (If yes, then you moving in the right direction).
5. Do you seek to please your spouse or yourself?  (If yourself then you are in the flesh, but if your spouse then you are moving in the right direction according to scripture).
6. Are you being kind and loving so as to not have your spouse get upset with you?  (If yes, then your motive is not one of love but of fear, which will end in unhappiness).
7. Are you grateful for your spouse?  (If yes, then you are waling in the love of God, keep doing it, make it a daily practice).
8. Do you desire to meet your spouse’s emotional needs?  (If yes, then you are moving in the right direction).
9. Are you quick to forgive?  (If yes, then you are walking in love and the Father will forgive you your trespasses).
10. Are you touchy?  (If yes, then you are carnal and not in the love of God.  Your self-centredness is strong).
11. Are you fretful?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
12. Do you take account of the things they have done you wrong?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
13. Do you take account of the things they have done right?  (If yes, then you are moving in the right direction).
14. Do you complain more than compliment?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
15. Are you critical of your spouse?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
16. Are you resentful of your spouse?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
17. Do you pay attention to their idiosyncrasies?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
18. Are you easily irritated by them?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
19. Are you thoughtful?  (If yes, then you are moving in the right direction).
20. Do you believe that you are a giving self-sacrificing person and blame your spouse as you praise yourself?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
21. Do you withhold sex from your spouse without their consent?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
22. Do you communicate with your spouse as an adult or as a child or parent?  (If your communication is adult like then you are moving in the right direction.  If your communication is child or adult like, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
23. Do you call your spouse names and degrade them?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
24. Do you give your spouse the cold-shoulder?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
25. Do you avoid discussing things that are uncomfortable for you?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).
26. Do you believe that when you are angry you are right or more right than your spouse?  (If yes, then you are in the flesh and not in the spirit and your outcome will end in unhappiness).

Many more such questions could be asked but here is a scripture that will help you to yield to the ways of God.  Remember your flesh will want to be self-centred, but if you are born-again then your spirit will want you to obey the word of God.  

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMPC.

Too many people will baulk at this because they are in fear and do not trust in God and His ways.  They believe that they will be let down, hurt and taken advantage of and the result will be no change, only more of the same.  Trusting God and his ways will lead to happiness if pursued fully.  Trusting in God and his ways means that you are now allowing the supernatural intervention of God into your relationship and your life.

The way of God is the way of peace.  The way of God is the way of faith.  There is no other way that pleases God.  Walking in the flesh will only bring grief in the long run.  Deal with yourself first that is the way of God and the scriptures.  Take ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and actions and get the biblical help you need so that happiness can be yours, especially in your marital relationship.